


I Am Not My Hair

by Basttop



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Drinking, M/M, Shaved head, my reason for why Dan shaved his head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 21:11:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15693456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basttop/pseuds/Basttop
Summary: “I want to cut my hair.”“Er, okay? I don’t really see the madness in this? There will probably be a hairdresser around here too. We can make an appointment tomorrow,” Kyle babbled, confusion clear on his face.“No, I meant, get it all off. I want a buzzcut, get rid of all the hair, so people will not define me by my hair anymore.”





	I Am Not My Hair

“Ugh,” Dan exclaimed, scrolling through his social media accounts. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but he just couldn’t help himself. He needed to know what his fans thought about him and the band. It was nice to read the positive tweets and comments, but it was the negative things that he would remember.

  
He felt Kyle’s gaze on him and he looked up to lock eyes with him. Kyle didn’t say a thing, only raised one eyebrow. Dan felt his face flush a little, he knew what Dan was doing, he told him a thousand times he shouldn’t.

  
Dan just groaned again and threw his phone next to him on the couch. Mind no longer occupied with reading comments, he could mull over the (not so) lovely comments he had read online. He was just sick of reading things about their appearances. That’s not what it was about. He wanted to be known for his music and messages he brought through lyrics. He was enthusiastic about other people’s music. He sighed staring ahead to the opposite wall and willing his mind to think about other, happier things.

  
“Listen,” Kyle said, and his voice startled him. He had put his book down and he looked ready for a talk. It was like he was twelve again and his father wanted to talk to him about growing up. Which was a disturbing conversation on itself but comparing his father to his best friend was a step to far and he shuddered, pushing the thought out of his mind. “I know you were looking up what fans and critics were saying about you, and honestly, it gets a little old.”

  
Dan scoffed. “Thanks, mate.”

  
“I don’t mean it like that, just saying that with fame, there will come critics. There will always be people who don’t like what you’re doing, there will always be people hating on the thing we do. If we are happy with what we’re doing, then that shouldn’t matter.”

  
“Easy for you to say, you’re not the lead singer. I get the most hate,” Dan brought in, “and it’s not only that, it’s the constant talk about how we dress and what we look like and if my shirt is wrinkly people will take that as an opportunity to talk about how I’m lazy and a slob. Thát is what’s getting old.”

  
Kyle sighed, “I know. It is getting old. But lurking on social media won’t help that. It won’t change those people, it will only make you feel like shit.”  
Dan knew he was right, that was the thing. He knew it, but he couldn’t help himself. He had to lurk, he had to know. It was tiring, and it made him feel like shit, yes. But he felt restless not knowing.

  
“Wanna go out for drinks? Kyle suddenly asked, "or stay in for drinks? Wanna drink is what I’m asking?”

  
Dan grinned, drinks were always good idea and Kyle only got more entertaining the more alcohol he consumed. “Yes please! Think there’s a bottle of vodka here somewhere.”

  
Kyle gave him a questioning look. “Vodka, you sure about that? Maybe a sophisticated wine is better…” he mused.

  
“Just get that fucking bottle, you nutter,” Dan replied.

  
Kyle put his hands up in mock defence, “sorry, sorry, no need for calling me names.”

  
And if Dan blushed cause he winked at him, then no one would know except for him as Kyle was already with his head in the cupboard searching for the vodka.  
\--  
They went outside after a couple drinks. The alcohol made them both all warm and fuzzy and Dan had forgotten ninety percent of the hateful comments already. The cool air of the night made them both sober up and feel way more drunk at the same time.

  
The garden had a set of chairs where they sat down on. Fortunately, they remembered to bring the vodka with them and Dan poured them both another glass. Kyle looked up to the sky, gazing at the stars and Dan was busy gazing at Kyle and the stretch of his neck. It was all smooth under his beard and he had to do everything in his power to restrain himself and not reach out to follow the line of his neck with one finger, the thought only making him shudder already.

“Aren’t stars the fucking best? They are, they’re just twinkling in the sky being pretty and minding no one’s business and all they do is make the sky pretty for us,” Kyle mused, still looking at the stars.

  
Dan snorted at that, the weirdest things came out of Kyle’s mouth from time to time, but he loved it. Kyle made him appreciate the world a whole lot better.  
He shifted his gaze from his best friend to the stars too. It was a clear night, which was rare in London. And even with all the light pollution, he could still see a decent amount of stars glistening and twinkling. It made him smile, he didn’t look up to the sky that much. He was more a person that kept his eyes to the ground. Not particularly wanting to get all the attention, trying to watch where he was going so he wouldn’t make a misstep. But Kyle made him want to look up again, made him want to reach higher, reach for the stars. It might mean they would get more attention and with that more hate. But he wanted to share his music with everyone.

  
“They are pretty,” he answered. Just as you he added in his mind, immediately scowling at how sappy that thought was.

  
Kyle sat up straight again, “just think of it mate. Just think! Some of those stars are so far away that they don’t even exist anymore. It’s just mad!” Dan smiled at that. He knew this. They both were interested in anything extra-terrestrial, they visited several NASA bases while touring in the USA, it was great to share this interest with him. “Are you feeling better already now, or do we need more alcohol, maybe some talk about aliens.”

  
Dan locked eyes with Kyle, “I’m fine,” he said earnest, “Just, I’m ready to do something completely mad. Are you with me?” He got a wary look from Kyle, but he didn’t mind, he had a plan, it would give those haters something to talk about. He needed a change, and he thought it would make him feel better. Suddenly he felt more alive than ever, ready to do this. “I want to cut my hair.”

  
“Er, okay? I don’t really see the madness in this? There will probably be a hairdresser around here too. We can make an appointment tomorrow,” Kyle babbled, confusion clear on his face.

  
“No, I meant, get it all off. I want a buzzcut, get rid of all the hair, so people will not define me by my hair anymore.”

  
“Cool, let’s go,” Kyle answered as he got up, “you have some clippers? I have one to groom my beard if you haven’t.”

  
“Er, yes… no I have not. I’m…” Dan suddenly got nervous. He was ready, but it was still kinda scary, what if he would look completely hideous without his hair. He knew it drew the attention from his face. He looked up to Kyle full of doubt. And Kyle threw him this look, asking him if he was sure but also telling him to cut the crap and just go for it. Which was the thing he liked about Kyle. He would support Dan no matter what but would also make sure it was definitely what Dan wanted. And he could do that with one look, it was mad. Dan was mad for loving it so much.

  
He got up, grabbing the vodka and taking a swig right from the bottle. Kyle reached his hand out for it, but Dan shook his head, “No, you will have to shave my head, and I don’t want to bleed to death or something. No more alcohol for you until we’re done,” he grinned, clutching the bottle close to his body.

  
“Oh really? You think you can keep it from me? Besides, I have a really steady hand, drinking or not,” Kyle said with a daring look on his face. “You really want to do this mate? I am quicker than you, and when you had a drink or four you’re even slower than when you're sober.”

  
Dan only answered his look with a daring one himself, before he bolted off into the hotel they were staying, Kyle following him not long after. He knew waiting on the lift would take too long, but three stairs in, he kinda was out of breath and contemplated if the lift was a better idea after all. He didn’t have long to think about it, as Kyle caught up and pried the bottle from Dan’s hands without much effort.

  
“Aha!” he exclaimed, “you have underestimated me once again,” and Dan could do nothing but laugh at that. There was a victorious grin on his face when they walked up the stairs together toward their floor and Kyle’s room. He didn’t drink any of it though, as if quietly agreeing with Dan that he didn’t need any more alcohol if he was gonna shave Dan’s head.

  
Reaching his room, they walked in and Kyle got his clippers right away. “Right,” Dan said, “I think the bathroom is the best idea? Don’t want to cover your bed with all of my hair or something.”

  
Kyle nodded in response, walked into the bathroom, and peered his head out when Dan didn’t follow him. “You coming? Wanna see what your pretty face looks like without all that hair.”

  
“Pretty face?” Dan laughs, but he got up and followed Kyle into the tiny bathroom.

  
“Yes pretty,” Kyle responded, rolling his eyes, “you’re extreme attractive and the fact that you’re not aware makes almost more attractive.”

  
“What? This is just the vodka talking isn’t it?” Dan said confused.

  
“No Dan, well, it gave me a little courage, but no, this is me. Now sit down, we’re gonna get rid of all that hair.”

  
Still dazed about that confession, he took place on the edge of the bathtub, looking at the mirror in front of him. He looked pale and tired, and suddenly he was determined. His hair needed to go.

  
“Okay, I’m ready, get it all off.” Kyle looked at him through the mirror, not bothering to answer and just got on with it.

  
He heard the buzz of the clippers when he were turned them on. And then Kyle’s hands were in his hair and oh… that felt good. He closed his eyes, revelling in the feeling. His hands were very gentle, brushing his hair to one side to shave the hair off. He had started at the top, as if to make clear there wasn’t a way back after the first patch of hair gone.  
For a second, he opened his eyes, looking at the ground and seeing all the hair laying on the ground. It was sobering him. It made him feel like a weight has lifted off of his shoulders. Hair wasn’t that heavy, it shouldn’t matter, but that’s how it felt. He closed his eyes again. Kyles hands still brushing his head, getting rid of loose hairs.

  
It all felt way too intimate suddenly and he felt his body tense up. Kyle’s hands on his head, his breath on his neck while he made sure the back of his head was the same length as the rest, nice and short, and his breath hitched.

After a while, Kyle turned the clippers off and put them on the sink. Dan still didn’t dare to open his eyes. He didn’t want the moment to be over yet, he didn’t want to know what he looked like.

  
It seems like Kyle didn’t want it to be over either, he kept brushing off hairs of his head, his neck, his shoulders. And Dan tried his best, but he couldn’t help the tiny whimper that escaped his lips.

  
He reached out for Kyle, finding his hip, to anchor himself. He needed something steady to keep him up. But Kyle grabbed his hand, leading it away from his hip. That’s when he felt him sitting down beside Dan, hands still clutched together, and he had to open his eyes.

  
“Let me look at you,” Kyle whispered, his voice a little hoarse and he nudged Dan’s head a little with his hand on Dan’s cheek.

  
Dan turned his head towards Kyle but didn’t dare to look at him. Kyle’s hand caressed his cheek, his thumb stroking the part under his eyes. It all felt too affectionate and Dan wanted to flee, he felt too vulnerable under Kyle’s gaze.

  
But what he did was lift his head, look Kyle in the eyes, and he was taken back by the open honest look in his eyes. “And?” he brought out, not trusting his voice to ask further.

  
Kyle smiled at him, still holding his hand and still cupping his face. “You look even more beautiful now. No one can get around your beauty without the distraction of all that hair.”

  
Dan swallowed thickly, this was way too serious, the alcohol was getting to both of their heads, he thought desperately of a joke to lighten the mood, but his mind drew a blank. He could only look at Kyle, not able to form any coherent thought whatsoever.

  
And fuck it, he thought before he surged forward to kiss Kyle. Maybe they would regret it the next morning, but for now, the only thing he wanted to kiss Kyle breathless and it was the only thought in his mind.

  
Kyle took no time to answer the kiss, he was expecting it. Dan grabbed at Kyle’s waist, pulling him even closer if that was possible.

  
It wasn’t ideal, there on the edge of the bathtub, their torsos both twisted in an unnatural position, legs totally in the way of getting closer. But it didn’t matter. They were kissing. It wasn’t as if they both hadn’t seen it coming, but they were both too scared about the consequences, since they were in a fucking band together. They had tried their best to not act on their feelings, but their resolve had been broken.

  
Dan gasped when Kyle licked his bottom lip, wordlessly asking for access. He drew back a little, looking the other man in the eyes and all he saw was warmth and love, he couldn’t believe it was happening, so he just connected their mouths again, kissing as if the world was going to end.

  
He hadn’t even looked at himself yet, he really didn’t know what he looked like without all of his hair. It didn’t matter though, Kyle thought he looked beautiful. He felt a swell of affection thinking about it.

  
As if they made an agreement they both pulled back and got up at the same time, immediately drawing towards each other again. Both were not being able to keep their hands to themselves, as if a dam had been broken.

  
Neither of them cared, as they stumbled out of the bathroom, towards the bed, all the while getting rid of as many clothes as possible without pulling apart for too long. Kyle pushed Dan down on the bed, straddling his hips and gasping into his mouth when Dan pushed his hips up, searching for friction.

  
They helped each other come undone, which didn’t take that long considering it had built up for several years. Afterwards they lay next to each other, panting but happy, coming down from their high.

  
Kyle was all sticky and sweaty, but Dan didn’t care, snuggling close to him, and kissed him one more time before putting his head in the crook of Kyle’s neck and falling asleep.


End file.
